Pangs in the Haze

Last night, through some strange, unexpected burst of will-power, I dragged myself from a deep, dream laden slumber. I wasn't checking the time to ensure that I hadn't overslept. That is usually the case. No, today, I fought through an extremely vivid dream and through that groggy, early morning haze in order to escape an almost unbearable weight of sorrow. In that dream, I was passing through my apartment. In the corner of my mind's eye, I glimpsed the silhouette of the woman I had loved deeply and completely. Her absence was like a black hole in my spirit attracting everything within its reach. The air was so oppressive that I couldn't breathe. My body crumpled under the overload of emotion. The screams of my soul became a corporal reality. I had to escape this agony.

This is where my story started.

I was afraid to go back to sleep. I didn't want to slip back into that reality of utter misery. The residue of those emotions still linger as I write this later in the day. I have had dreams like this before. They make me afraid of allowing myself to love someone that deeply.

Are these dreams portents of my future? Am I destined to bring that dream to reality? Do I roll the dice, bind my soul with that of another and trust that I can survive the ordeal at the end? Or do I let my fear prevent me from that complete fulfillment? In this case, I think the means justify the end.

I know that in a couple of days my memories of this dream will fade and I will not be so burdened by these pangs of utter loneliness. I know that I will find strength to face this dream when it occurs since I have already lived through a small portion of it.

Yours,

Tired and Tried